By Esmée Zuiker
About two years ago, the common rooms in the AUC dorms were closed to students. With DUWO’s communications department even harder to reach than the rooms are to break open, questions about the closings started to surge. From there, many theories as to why the common rooms are closed have been developed, ranging from the most commonly accepted to some deeply obscure ones. To get a handle on them, The Herring takes you down this iceberg of theories, all the way into the darkest depths of the most disturbing explanations.
The DUWO Spokesperson Theory
At the visible tip of the iceberg, we find people who believe in the information provided by DUWO and AUC. This information states that DUWO intervened due to the misuse and poor cleaning of common rooms. AUC states that together with the Resident Assistants and the Residents Committee, they are negotiating with DUWO about the decision, but that so far these attempts have been fruitless. This theory is commonly accepted and supported by the majority of students.
The You-are-Not-Invited Theory
Have you ever wondered why you could not figure out who that supposed string representative was (the person who used to guard a common room’s key)? Well, supporters of this theory will tell you that the string representative does not exist! You never had the ability to access the common rooms. DUWO just wanted you to believe you could, so that you would pick the wrong battles and they could go on with their business unbothered. For that same reason, they still grant you access to some rooms, just repurposed as event spaces. They distract you to keep you in ignorant bliss with your miserable life of missing out.
Adherents to this theory also point out that during the Intro-week two years ago, then-first-years (now current third-years) had to deep clean the rooms only for them to close the week after. How convenient for the partygoers, right? Now, since DUWO is notoriously bad at cleaning, rumour has it that since their public closing, the rooms’ conditions have deteriorated terribly. As a result, it is said that next year’s incoming students could once again be exploited for some intensive scrubbing, as by then no current third-years will be around to warn them.
The Cabinet of Curiosities Theory
Diving deeper, we have a theory that explains that the rooms got repurposed by different interested parties. Believers in this theory think that the majority of the rooms are being used to lock up the building’s hot water. Other rooms are supposedly gatekeeping some of AUCSA’s budget, or being employed by Simba, the dorms’ regular cat-visitor, to set up his coup d’AUC.
Additionally, there is speculation of emerging drug labs. The evidence used to support this claim comes from the sealing of some windows of the common rooms and a weird, humid, chemical smell lingering in the corridors. However, no one dares to guess what exactly it is they are cooking up in there.
The Backroom and Virus Theories
On this deeper level of submersion, we find two theories that require some out-of-the-box thinking.
The first theory states that the common rooms have turned into backrooms. Supporters of this theory explain that the rooms were closed as a safety measure after some students did not return from them. Supposedly, you can still access these backrooms through hidden doors in the walls. Adherents of this theory argue that the many supposed instances of drunk people bumping into walls were actually failed attempts to enter them.
The next theory is the closing-virus theory. This theory posits that common rooms have been struck by some strange virus that causes them to close off from the outside world. Whether the virus also has other side effects remains unclear. Virus theorists support their claims by citing the recent shutdown of the balconies, saying they got “contaminated” as the virus started to spread. Speculation continues about what will be next to close: The elevators? The laundry rooms? The courtyards? AUC itself?
The Memory Dump Theory
At the bottom of the iceberg, we find the most haunting theory. Theorists who dwell at these depths are convinced that the common rooms serve as a dump for things that we have forgotten about. They say that the rooms are where we can find the old key system with unrestricted access to the dorms, Maslow, as well as the Academic Building’s old interior.
They store what you learned from a course after you have finished your finals, together with a whole bunch of single socks. They contain a Dutch winter with snow, and for many, the non-international school accent. It is said that soon the rooms will also play host to AUC’s canteen and the Humanities faculty.
Devotees of this theory warn that the dump is growing exponentially. They say that like a star, it will eventually collapse under its own weight. This is anticipated to happen after the current third-years – the only ones who still somewhat remember the rooms’ interiors – graduate. Then, they lament, the common rooms will at last become forgotten themselves.
This article is a satire.
